12:00 a.m, 10/12/2014

its 12,00 a.m on 10th of december.
the day i was born into this world.
it has been 16 years.
yup, basicly my ” sweet 16″, they call it.

not feeling the “sweet 16” vibe cos i just had a fight with my manager.
fucking suck.
guess what came after that,
my mother forgot to pick  up her child, left on the side of the street.
fucking worst,
waited about 1 and a half hours.
came back home with tears, and its like 20 minutes away from my birthday.

its 12:17 a.m and im recieving a lot of wishes,
long, short.
just dont feel like replying.
yes, those wishes managed to put a smile on my face.
still,
the vibe, its not there.
its missing.

just like last year,
had my birthday in turkeye,
it was one of the worst birthday ever.
hoped that it wont happen again.

well its a dissapointment cos its happening again,
on my “sweet 16”
i dont wanna brag, cos i’ll sound so ungrateful.
but haih. sigh,

oh, not to forget, i still have to go to work on my birthday. yup.

image

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Next Step-

I want to change everything about me; the way i talk, the way i walk, the way i dress up, the way i treat every single one around me–NOW

When i say now, means today.
Because i cant wait any longer,
Because as soon as i wait, I lose the desire of transforming myself to a new person.
You know, i overthink;

Why do i do this? What is it for? It is not even necessary

Thats why I want to do it soon as in today.
Or
Is there another way of transforming myself slowly without losing the desire of doing it?

I need help.
I need motivation.
Inspiration–

Because day by day i get demotivated by the way i live my everyday life.

O dear Allah guide me to be a better muslimah O Allah.

Not like the Movies.

How I wish,
the movies i watched,
were real.
Because they were just perfect.

How I wish,
happy ending in the movies,
were real.
Because happy ending doesn’t exist in real life.

How I wish,
my life,
is just like the movies.
Because my life sucks.

Sadly,
The movies, are just too good to be true.

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Complicated.

Confusing.
Does this phrase
“I hope we’ll remain as friends”
Means you want us to be friends, and not more than that?
Or
You said that just to stay away from me for some reasons?

confusing.
And I’m really, thinking,
So hard.
I’m solving it,
With all my thoughts.
Its so tough.
Just like maths.

Could you please,
Just say what you need to say.

Because,
You seem to avoid me.
That confuses me too.
You said you wanted us to be friends and not more than that.
But you ignored me after you confessed.
It confuses me again.

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It All Matters To Me.

The fact that you stopped talking to me because you’re scared that you would break my heart.

So you confessed. Things that I didn’t want to hear.
Did not expect that you would say that.
I expected too much.
But all my expectations are based on how you treated me.
You gave me hopes.
Though it was real,
But guess what? It was all false.
False hope, false alarm.

How could you?

Oh, now I get it.
You just want somebody to entertain you. That’s all.
Am I right?

Thought I could handle the pain,
The sorrow,
I was dead wrong.
The pain didn’t hit me like ‘bammm’
No.

Thought that I moved on, got over you.
I was dead wrong.

I suffer, every night.
Waiting for you to start the usual conversation that we used to have every night.

Ended up crying in one corner,
Remembering those cute little replies,
Those emoji.

I love the way you always make me laugh.
You never failed even in my lowest time.
I love it when you get clingy,
At some times.

Its all gone.
Disappeared a few nights ago.
Have you ever wondered, if feelings can be thrown, just like ‘poof’, like in a blink of an eye?
Sadly,
No.

It takes time.
I know I will get better in time.
But how long does it take for me,
To get over you? To face the fact that you’re gone?

A Vivid Imagination.

I wonder what do they see in me,
I wonder what do they think of me,
I wonder what would they say about me.

I wonder,
Everyday.

I wonder what does it feel like to be pretty,
I wonder what does it feel like to be called and labelled flawless,
I wonder what does it feel like to be the centre of attention.

I wonder,
Everyday.

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Your cup of tea.

Who says life has got no choice? We do have choices.
Doesn’t mean that we’re broken down,
Torn apart,
We have to be sad, upset, sorrowful.

“Forgive and forget”

Move on. Period.

Just remember,
There’s a lot more to be discovered,
To be explored.
Ain’t got no time to be sad and gloomy all day.

Happiness awaits you.

On the turn.

Day 35:

i felt it in me,

let it in without any circumstances.

Through the wind of desperation, the whispers in my ear,

voices, in the air.

Certainly, the time has arrived,

“lets take a leap of faith”

said it with glorious beat,

still,

the guilt surrounds me, the questions flinch me,

wandering around,

“Do I want this? Really?”

it confused me, demoralized me, discomfited me,

night and day,

thinking, wondering, marveling, imagining .

rough couple of days,

gone.

Another one breeze in,

i felt

defenseless, wretched, pathetic

considering the other one,

left unzip.

“who were the one, wavering me? “

drifting, wayfaring around my head.

And again,

i felt,

spiritually, emotionally,

and mentally

cast away.

the second one,

was easy.

something came up to my mind,

lighting up the whole,

entire purpose of me,

shifting, sweeping.

radically, seismically.

It was you.

you showed up into my life,

doubtlessly, unconditionally,

and i wanted you to stay.

i still do.

bless you for  this.

genuinely,

Aliyah xx